Everyone Farts

9/2/10

Everyone Farts

Today I went to get a burrito at a mediocre chain. I knew this going in and yet there I was ordering, paying, devouring. As I went to the condiment bar to grab some watered down tomato paste disguised as salsa I heard the loudest fart I think I have ever heard in a public space. There were only four burrito consumers including myself, the fart assailant and two burrito slaves (workers). Naturally, everyone turned and looked. No one laughed – everyone was just shocked that someone could let that escape their ass with such ease and abandonment. There was probably a moment for all that experienced this when they told themselves they didn’t really hear it, rationalizing the magnificent explosion. The man who had let out this bellow from his bowels got up without hesitation, made no apologies or acknowledgement of the act, even though it was clearly him who had disrupted the silence, and then walked up to me. I quickly diverted my eyes like a child for fear that I would become the only one in the room who would laugh.

“Do you know where the Peets Coffee is?” He asked me.

I almost forgot instantly where it was, and I work there. All that was going through my head were comments like, “Doesn’t seem like you need anymore there, buddy.” Or “You should check your pants first before you head over for seconds.” But instead I controlled my urge and slowly gave him directions while a little smile lingered on my face during the entirety of our conversation. He then smiled and thanked me and calmly left the burrito palace.

I then looked up and realized that all the other customers had been staring at me, so naturally I smiled and continued to eat. Everyone took this as his or her cue to go back to eating as well. We sat there consuming, ignoring one another, and pretending that we were alone. We were changed though, all of us, we were forced to connect through one single event. We made a collective decision to not embarrass the man by ignoring what had taken place. Or perhaps we did this to not embarrass ourselves. As a result I can’t help but thank that flatulent man. Thank you; thank you for not giving a fuck, for waking everyone up and reminding us that YES EVERYONE FARTS!